Burden
by rhysdelmar95
Summary: Set right after 'First Born' this short story is on the burden Dean now has to bear.


The Mark mostly itched when he wasn't paying attention. On occasion it burned but it wasn't like fire. No…it was cold. He recalled when he faced Lucifer in Detroit. The fallen angel told them that contrary to popular belief, he burned cold. It was no wonder that the Mark burned like ice against his skin. That wasn't what bothered him though. It's whatever comes with the Mark that worries him.

Once again he lived up to his reputation, doing something foolish and at the spur of the moment. Cain had warned there is another cost for bearing his Mark. However, he wanted Abaddon, and Gadreel, oh and Metatron dead. Damn whatever consequences that may come.

The following day he got a call from Cas. He was sitting in the run down motel just idly watching the TV with a beer in hand. Sam may not be talking to him at the moment but he still worried about him. Cas would only call if there is something wrong.

"Is he okay," he asked once he hit answer.

To his credit, Cas was calm and knew what he was talking about. "Sam is alright. I have suffused him with most of my grace and he is healed."

There was a slight pang of guilt but for the most part, he was glad to hear that. And to hear from Cas. "That's great man. Thanks. "

"I am actually calling to check on you Dean," Cas asked. There was a note of concern and he can visualize Cas squinting his eyes trying to read him over the phone.

He laughed a bit real low, but he smiled, "I'm good Cas." It was nice that someone out there cared for him still. Cas had always looked out for him as best he could.

"You do not sound good Dean."

"Well what do you want me to tell you Cas? That's it all roses and cupcakes?" he chided before he calmed a bit. The damn Mark was itching like hell. Taking a deep breath, "sorry Cas, it's not you. I appreciate you checking in on me."

There was a few seconds of silence. He figured Cas was trying to think on how to proceed. "You're my friend Dean, I do worry about you as well. That aside though, I did want to meet with you. About Metatron. I believe he is the key to this…mess."

Cas is right, Metatron is a huge piece of the puzzle. Find him and he'll find Gadreel. Abaddon can wait for the meantime since they need to have the First Blade to gank her. He nodded, "yeah, you're right. Sammy good then?"

"Yes, I can meet up with you. Where are you?"

"Over in Illinois, meet up in…Iowa?"

"Yes, that would suffice."

"Cool, see you there. Call when you get closer. Oh and Cas?"

"Yes?"

"Don't turn on that rap music. It's just embarrassing for the both of us." It took him a minute to find the dial to turn off that racket when he drove Cas's pimpmobile.

There was a sigh, "okay," Cas said before he ended the call. He smiled as he put the phone back down so he can pack. It would be an okay kind of day if only the Mark wouldn't itch so much.

It was night as he pulled into a small side street near Des Moines. Cas would be here in maybe a half hour. Who know that the angel that breaks the rules always adheres to traffic laws? 'It's the law Dean. They are designed for the safety for everyone on the road. And I do not share your fondness for travelling at excessive speeds,' was what Cas quoted him.

Cutting the engine, he waited for his friend to come. After all they had been through, he can truly honestly say that Cas is his best friend. The betrayal from a couple years back from Cas broke his faith in the angel then, but it has since been rebuilt. Hell, he can't even judge that anymore as he himself is working with Crowley now. Still, at the time, it hurt real bad. And then losing him? God, that was too much. That year of the Leviathan was just an all around sucky year.

Now though, Cas is different. He isn't secretive around the brothers anymore. When he fell,he told Dean the truth and he didn't question it. It was as if being human had actually made Cas unwind a bit. In fact, the stick up his ass must've come out along with his wings. He shook his head at that thought. Cas's wings. He may have mojo back, but he doesn't have wings. That's the defining feature of an angel, it's wings. His blood boiled at the thought of Metatron taking that away from his friend. That douche is going to pay. No one hurts his family and gets away with it. And then there's Gadreel. He made him kick Cas out when he needed him the most. Then he was between a rock and a hard place. Of course Sam won out, but he regretted missing all the cool stuff he could've done with Cas.

_'Which is what exactly?'_ he thought to himself. He's known Cas for over six years now, really five since he was gone that one year with Lisa. Okay, really four since Purgatory was mostly spent looking for the angel. In any case, he and Cas had a thing. It was enough to break whatever Naomi had over him. Dammit, he hated these…these touchy feely thoughts! Cas…is just Cas.

Headlights washed over the Impala breaking his thought. Cas's pimpmobile rumbled in front of him before the lights faded and Cas opened the door. He himself was getting out when he looked over at his friend. There was a pained look on Cas's face. In fact, he looked rather pale and tired. Shit, healing Sam must've drained him.

"Cas! You okay man?" he inquired as he slammed the door shut.

Cas shook his head, "I feel…peculiar. Like there is something….a great evil."

He stopped, "like…a disturbance in the Force?" he asked dreading the answer.

"A disturbance…yes…that seems adequate. My grace is reacting negatively to…whatever it is. We should leave Dean. Now." Cas stepped closer to him but the instant he did, a pained look came across his face.

"Cas…I don't think that's going to help," he whispered as he looked at the ground. Was this the cost?

Clutching his stomach with one hand and using the other to steady himself on his car, Cas looked at him curiously. "What do you mean? Dean…" realization washed over Cas's face slowly. Even though he was in pain, Cas gave him a glare with his trademarked squinty eyes, "Dean, what did you do?"

He tried to smile like he usually does when he's trying to break bad news. It was hollow and they both knew it, but Cas…dammit, why did it have to go down like this? "So…uh, Crowley and I-"

Cas shot up at the mention of Crowley's name, "you worked with Crowley? By choice?" There was only a soft tone of anger but anger nonetheless in his voice. In a more serious tone, he leaned closer to him, "what did you do Dean?"

For a second, he thought about lying again, perhaps he is a compulsive liar. "I…I went looking for Gadreel. Crowley came by, offered to help look for a way t kill Abaddon." Cas's head tilt only made him continue. "I…we went looking for the First Blade. The weapon the archangels used to kill the knights."

At this Cas seemed surprised, but still in pain, "the First Blade? That is a legend, even among the angels."

"Well buddy, it's real. But…it only works if you have something else," slowly he pulled his sleeve back to show Cas the Mark.

Cas recoiled on instinct, like looking at it was blasphemy and certain death was coming soon. Seeing Cas react like that to the Mark, to _him,_ bypassed the walls around his heart. Something about Cas doing that was unsettling…and it hurt. "Dean!," Cas called out when he regained his composure. "That…that is the Mark of Cain! A brand made by Lucifer himself!"

"Yeah, I know. Cain gave it to me," he confessed pulling his sleeve back down. "You have to have the Mark in order to use the First Blade. It's the only way to kill a Knight."

Standing upright, Cas strode closer to him even though being near him was causing the angel a great deal of pain. "Show me Dean, again." Doing as he commanded, he again showed Cas the Mark. Cas looked at it for a while and he watched him as he did so. "Dean…do you know what having the Mark entails?"

"Cain said there would be a great burden if I took it. We were surrounded by demons so I had to make a decision and I took it." Even if he had time to think about it, he would have done it anyway.

Instead of answering him, Cas reach over to touch the Mark. As soon as he touched his skin though, Cas immediately took back his hand as he yelled in pain. Panicked, he tried to grab Cas to steady him but only got his hand. Again, as their skin touched, Cas was in pain and instead pushed sending him several feet back.

Cradling his hand, Cas looked at him with the saddest eyes he as ever seen the angel with. "Dean…what have you done?" His voice was soft and so…so hurt. Getting back up, he tried to walk toward Cas but Cas held up a hand, "no. You cannot come close to me…or Sam."

That froze him, what the hell does he mean? What the hell is the burden this damn mark carries? "Cas…what, what is the burden?"

"My grace…I thought it was my grace, but it's not. It's me," Cas was muttering to himself before he looked at him. "The Mark of Cain Dean, it was given to Cain from Lucifer, not from God. However the Biblical account is right on one thing."

"Just tell me! And what do you mean I can't be close to you or Sam!?"

"It's a curse Dean…the Mark makes you wander the Earth. You would be forever separated from your friends and family." Slowly, Cas stepped back to his car," being near you is intensely painful Dean, even my grace is reacting negatively to you. Sam…Sam would become ill if you get close to him."

His entire world shattered. Yeah, he and Sam might be on the outs right now, but they'll make up in time. And Cas…he's the only friend he has left. More than a friend if he was honest. Now though? He can't even be close to them? "But…Colette was able to live with Cain…she loved him." There was grasp from Cas as he opened the door. He saw a flash of Cas's hand. His burned hand. "Did…did I do that?"

"The Mark of Cain is made of a corrupted form of grace. It's…like an allergic reaction for angels. It's not permanent." Cas explained still wincing. "And being Lucifer's grace, it is extremely potent. The pain is bearable for a while, but in time...it would be too much for anyone to handle."

"So…you're saying that if you and Sammy stay near me, I'll cause you both pain?"

Nodding, "it is effecting me worse since I am an angel, Sam might be able to endure it for a while, but in time…I'm sorry Dean. I can't fix this one."

"Cas…I…," he was sorry, but the words seemed too weak.

"I have…I have to go Dean. This…is…I'm sorry." Cas slipped into his car and looked at him sadly before he backed up and drove away.

The nearest bar was only a block away. He waved over the barkeep and ordered a beer and a couple shots of whiskey. Cas called him a couple minutes ago when he was well outside of the city limits. The irritation to his grace had ceased about five miles from him. Again, Cas apologized before going off on his own to find what Metatron was up to.

As he drowned the first shot before he looked at the worn wood. In its patterns he saw things he would never have now. He'll never be able to hug Sammy again, or roughhouse with him. No, it was worse than that. Now he'll have to forever bury his secret desire, the one that he wouldn't have acted on in the first place but that didn't matter. Because now he _can't_, and that's worse than couldn't. The choice was now gone. He'll never be able to touch his best friend ever gain.

"I really am poison aren't I?'" he mused to himself.


End file.
